Everything is making more sense.
I am reading a book called Captivating. It dares to go into that confusing place known as a womans soul. You would think that as a 20 year old woman that I would have somethings figured out by now, but that is not true. I have never read a book (other than beth moore's stuff) that has changed the way I think... This book is beautiful and talks about those silly insecurities that we girls have. And it explains them with this:
"the Evil One had a hand in all that has happened to you. If he didn't arrange for the assault directly then he made sure he drove the message of the wounds home into your heart. He is the one who has dogged your heels with shame & self doubt & accusation. He is the one who offers the false comforters to you in order to deepen your bondage. He is the one who has done these things in order to prevent your restoration. For that is what he fears. He fears who you are; what you are; what you might become. He fears your beauty and your life giving heart....your wounds brought messages with them. Lots of messages. Somehow they all usually land in the same place. They had a similar theme. "You're worthless." "You're not a woman." "You're too much...& not enough." "You're a disappointment." "You are repulsive." On & on they go. Because they were delivered with such pain they felt true. They pierced our hearts & they seemed so true. So we accepted the message as fact. We embraced it as the verdict on us."

I can remember each moment where I started feeling these things. When my parents got divorced and a few years later when I found out my mom was sending me the birthday flowers from my biological father for all those years. And when I found out the real story about the alcohol, other women, and abuse that occured after I was born. When I got older and my friends would make fun, lie, and talk behind my back. When I got even older and was told by a certain boy that he didn't have time for me... After he pursued me and was munipulative to make me and others rely on him. When my mother would criticize every action even after I tried so hard to please her.

There isn't a way to escape the wounds... But there is a way to deal with them and to be healed. And that is only through the One who loves us truely and completely. And only through His power. I thought that I was the only one who felt alone...Was scared of abandonment, and rejection... But everyone has their fear and their deep wounds that they try to cover up instead of letting Christ heal them.