One Person

so I found these on one of my old blogs... known as a xanga. it brought back some memories. Ones I wish weren't still there.. but what can you do. I liked what I wrote so I thought I would post it. These are all about how I wasted so much time on one person. We girls are silly.

BROKEN DOWN WORLD
Look at the sad little man, with the sad dark eyes.

He's looking away against everyone's will, they all want to find the prize.

The prize is to find out what those sad, dark eyes, are hiding from the world.

Little do they know the secret is too hard to tell, they will never know that behind the wall is a broken down world.

FALLEN
I've fallen for you
I didn't think it would ever happen
But I'm on the ground and I need some help up
I can't believe it, how easily I gave in.

I guess I was reaching for a dream
and then the next thing I knew I was down and out
I've fallen for you that's all I know
It's the only thing I can figure out.

You didn't mean for me to fall for you
maybe I fell so hard because until now I never acknowleged how I felt
one day I was staring in your eyes,
and the next thing I knew I was ready to melt

FORGOTTEN
I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW IT FEELS FOR YOU TO BE MINE.
I've forgotten everything about you,
everything I loved and hated about you.
I've forgotten how I was your mistake,
but how you weren't mine.
I've forgotten how you hurt me
when I wasn't the only girl you wanted to see.
I've forgotten how you drove me insane
And I've forgotten how I enjoyed my insanity.
I've forgotten about how you didn't seem to care,
how I felt or how I loved you.
I've forgotten all the nights I cried myself to sleep over you.
I've forgotten how many mornings I woke up and wondered if somehow love wouldn't be too strong a word that day.
I've forgotten how I hated you.
I've forgotten how you didn't care if I did.
I've forgotten how my day would brighten just to see you.
And I've forgotten how you wouldn't even notice mine.
I've forgotten that when you started to care
I was too scared.
I've forgotten how I let you slip away.
I've forgotten how it feels for you to be mine.


NEW YEAR'S EFFECT
You're gone,
They're gone.
Those feelings for you.
I don't seem to have a memory,
Of all the dreams that would haunt my sleep relentlessly.
I knew one day you would be gone.
I wasn't sure when, but the shadow of you has dissapeared.
I see you and nothing,
You speak and nothing.
Just joy, because the heartache alone w/ you has gone.
I didn't know how this would feel.
I thought it would be lonely
w/ no one to hold me.
But instead of tears, this smile I can't conceal.
All I know is you're gone and there's nothing,
Yet, there's everything.

BLUR
I look out the blurred windows
So I can’t see what isn’t there
I know what I won’t see
and that is you to visit me

You say you like me..
You say you care
but once again.
To my feelings you weren’t fair

I find myself surrounded once again
Who will be chosen?
I’m stuck in the position
I seem to be frozen

To the road I know my heart wants to take
but my head screams out to be wary
Once before he seemed to be fake
The feeling of losing him again.. it’s scary

Christmas Eve: electrical problems, food, cards, and love.

Today has been quite eventful.
It is Christmas Eve & I am loving life.
Tomorrow is the day to set aside a celebration of a loving God who sent His Son.

Tonight.. well.. it was interesting.
At 4 our electricity went off in McIntosh Hollow (holler) & we had to cook, bake, and wrap by candle light. It was beautiful.

The night also included a candle light service at Cow Creek Baptist Church. It is a small church. But is so precious. It was dark, and had a few christmas-ee decorations in the front of the sanctuary.

My family and I sat on a pew together and were given our candles. We all passed around the flame and took the time to say what we are thankful for. My dad's statement made me tear up. I am oh so thankful for him. When my turn came.. I almost let the moment slip by. But I knew I would regret not giving thanks for what the Lord has given me multiple times this year. Many opportunities to be involved in missions and a way to be a part of ministry. It has been amazing to develop a heart for God's will in just a few short months. After I said my thanks I passed on the light.

My family and I came back to the McIntosh Hollow celebration. We passed out gifts and laughed over many different things. When our little party was over, my parents and I headed back to our house - gifts in hand.

The electricity was still off - so we found all the candles and oil lamps we could and set them around our small house. It was such an amazing sight. We then found some cards and gathered around the kitchen table to play a game called, "31". I mix of Rummy and 21. I beat them with an awesome comeback & after our game was done the lights came back.

I almost wish they had stayed off. I would have been journaling about my night by candle light instead of blogging - but it would have been even more special then. My dad and I cracked jokes on each other and my mom & we decided that tomorrow would be "DD day" (Daddy - Daughter day). We are going to drive my mom to work and then go see Four Christmases at the New Richmond Theater. It will be a precious time!

It is officially Christmas & I am so grateful for the night that will be remembered as one of the Best Christmas Eve Nights. Just me and my family - slowing down and enjoying the blessing that each other is in our life.

Small Town Truths

Small Town Truths

It was a chilly Friday night as the Estill County Engineers rushed on to the football field to face its rival, the Powell County Pirates. They were a surrounding county and not very different from Estill, but they became the enemy at the very moment their students taunted Engineer basketball fans by dressing up as ‘redneck train captains’ during half-time last spring. On this particular Friday night there was tension in the air and everyone knew that if their team did not win they would never hear the end of it, at least until baseball season. It would seem like just any other football game to an outsider, but to the citizens of the small town, it is the highlight of the year. The one time they get to prove they are better.

The track surrounds the football field and there is a caboose that shows the Engineer pride. The crowd is composed of many different characters. Most of the high school students are doing their social duty by walking around the track and greeting all their friends. The cheerleaders are winking to their boyfriends as they cheer on their team, and the boyfriends talk about the party that will take place after they egg the rival’s school bus.

The parents scream at the referees, shouting that the recent call made was obviously wrong; they taunt the other school more than the students. Behind the crowd of proud parents there is a different crowd, they scream the same theme to the refs and Powell County fans, but more obscene words are used. They hold their Ale-8’s in one hand, and cigarette in the other. Some would argue that there is more than just a caffeinated beverage in the ale-8 glass bottle. This group includes the 27th year seniors who never left the towns, got a job in the local factory, and have been divorced six times.

The most important characters in the crowd are the overachiever, the satisfied, the musician, and the mask. The overachiever is found on the football field right beside his fellow team captain, across from the rival team. Before the coin is tossed he says, “Heads” confidently. The coin lands heads up and Estill County gets the kick-off. He holds his head high and knows he will get congratulated for the 3 touchdowns he will make at the game tonight.

The overachiever is particularly fond of his grades that he will use to get into his university of choice. He already has a couple of full-ride scholarships that are in the bag. Next year he will be out of this hole of homework, always being perfect, and his parent’s breathing down his neck. No one knows of the pressure that he feels surrounding him. From the academic team to the football team, he is the leader and the one everyone looks to. The overachiever is ready to be rid of all the responsibility. He will always have his name on the trophies, in the yearbook, and on the jerseys that are framed; he will be a legacy – just what his parents wanted.

The satisfied character is one of the most intriguing. She seems satisfied with their life but in all reality they will always want something more. She is always trying to have the best all around persona. But it is actually drains her and to make her more unlike her true beautiful self. At the game she is cheering on the team in her cute team outfit. When the girls take a break to watch the game, she overhears a small group talk about a party that will take place that night. The satisfied runs over to get in on the information. The group of girls rolls their eyes at her, but she doesn’t seem to notice, she just wants in on the fun. She is injuring herself with each try to reach a higher level.

Whether that includes attending the party, getting the latest look, or dating the coolest boy. She is reminded each time she is in a relationship that there is someone better out there. She gets the boy for their emotional stability and then forgets about them when the next ‘hunk’ walks by. But the satisfied is just left empty and wanting more. It’s a sad character to try and be. The girl is only satisfied in being who she isn’t and trying to get out of the small town.

The musician is the character that is most intriguing. He is hard to explain and impossible to define. He hides behind his guitar and unique life style. He looks up to the sky and wonders if he will be given a bigger stage than the local mom and pop diner. He has a stage on Friday nights, like tonight. It is the pit of the high school marching band. The only problem… he doesn’t care what the people in this town think, so it doesn’t really count. The band starts playing ‘Desperado’ by the Eagles and sings the lyrics to himself, “And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talking. Your prison is walking through this world all alone.” He likes the lyrics, because they seem true to his own life.

The musician loves the importance of lyrics and he writes songs about getting out of the hell-hole and finding his purpose in life. He can’t remember the last time that he didn’t feel confined by the restricting family budget, and city lines. The musician has plans to get out, to escape, and to never look back. He doesn’t understand the immaterial love his family is trying to give him, he just wants out and to get away. Most people would consider the musician to be an angry person, but he is actually just misunderstood. The overachiever and the satisfied never look his way. He can’t help but feel alone when he won’t reach out for a hand to help him.

The mask can be defined and explained by all her peers, but it’s not the truth. They would call her reserved, conservative, intelligent, creative, and someone who has a good future ahead of her. But in all reality, she is the exact opposite. She isn’t well put together, can loose hold on everything in a split second, is struggling in all areas of study, and won’t make it see many more days unless she gets things under control. She is also at the Friday night game, but she is doing her social duty, by following her friends around the track, talking about the latest gossip.

Always following, the mask wonders each time she is in a group of “friends”, if they will leave her. If that happened then who would she interact with? Being alone is the mask’s worst nightmare, even though it happens on a regular basis. During the day, while the sun is shining, everything seems like it runs smoothly. But by the time things turn dark, and the sun isn’t shining on her plans, everything falls apart. She questions her purpose, she can’t continue on, and the worst of all is that she is alone. She has a few friends, but they don’t understand what is going on. The ‘friends’ are only around when she is cracking jokes about musician and his odd ways. At night after the homework struggle, there are only her parents – they don’t understand why a girl who has everything is so lost.

The small town life is a mystery, each person, lost, trying to find a way out. The town is dying of suffocation. The air is being taken from every area of the town and being poured into these empty lives that have the talent and the motivation to be something greater. The overachiever is too focused on himself and his aspirations to see the people around him who are struggling to survive. The mask is too consumed with self-pity to extend a heart-felt conversation to others who need a true friend, like the satisfied. The musician is too scared to branch out into the group of small town folks, so he is missing out on a beautiful song about a girl that might not survive unless someone reaches out to her.

Most characters are missing out on saving lives and are in turn losing their own, if the focus switches to other people around them without trying to gain attention on their selves then maybe they would actually survive long enough to escape with some memories that aren’t tainted by conceit, pain, unhealthy obsession, or loneliness. It is the sad truth of a small town.

mind crossing.

Have you ever just been going about daily business and someone's face popped in your head. Why does this happen? Are you worried about them? Thinking about them? In love? A friend? Or just subconsciously wondering about them...

There have been multiple times when I can't get my mind off of someone. Whether it is a friend, boy, of relative. Sometimes I think people are placed on our hearts.
There has been a friend lately that I have not been able to stop thinking about. He is so messed up, truly confused. I can't help him - and getting close just hurts me. He is the type of person who can find something that frustrates me or hurts me and can cut me to the core & continue to pour salt in the wound. But yet.. He still has a place in my heart as a dear friend? It seems weird - but it's true.

There is another girl whom I think about once in a while. She is so precious to me & has been a friend since I moved to Kentucky. She was asked the question, "how are you, really?" She didn't know how to answer. I worry about this girl all the time. She seems to be searching for something & just hasn't been able to find it yet. But she is looking in the wrong place. We all do this at times - try to find our identity in other things. I am not labeling her or saying she is making a huge mistake - because we all do it. But the pattern of sadness in her life makes me sad.

And the last one that I think about... wow. I just know that I love him. He is my family. He has always been there for me & could be considered a big brother. He takes up for me, puts up with me, and sometimes has a heart to heart with me. He is such a wonderful guy - but is just so distracted right now. I don't get to see him that much & we are totally different people - but we both know that if we needed the other - that the answer is yes. We are family - and I worry about him. He randomly comes on my mind - and I worry if at that time he is searching for himself in dangerous things.

So as I lay my head on my pillow - these people's faces run through my mind & the one that I worry most about is the first. Mainly because he has no idea what truth is & will not listen. - That scares me.

rambling...

It is a late night and I am trying to plan out my money for NYC. I am leaving on Saturday - I can't believe that this time next week I will be getting ready for New Year's Eve in Times Square. It's Crazy!

Today I experienced a 'first'. My mother and I went shopping and we didn't fight once - we didn't even argue. It was wonderful!

Tomorrow is the family gift exchange. We have to make a gift and we can't spend over $10 on it. I am the youngest one there. Everyone else is over 40. So the gift I could be a pie or something that was knitted. This year I think I made my best gift yet! I went to Lake Barkley this past weekend and took some photos of the lake during the sunset. I added some text to one of the pictures I took, printed a 8X10 photo and framed it. It's precious! Plus I get to say I've framed my photography & it makes me seem official. I am pleased with it.

And on to things.. I am wondering if this whole - being home from college thing is actually good. I mean.. I know it's "good". But sometimes I am just not sure how I feel about it. It is so hard to come home from a place where I have a minute by minute schedule to my home where I don't have to do anything - and usually end up sleeping the day away. Once in a while I spend time with old friends - I usually just end up doing dumb stuff and wishing I were somewhere else. Mainly because Irvine is turning into a scary place.

The Priceless store was robbed at gunpoint - but the robber got shot. So that's good, I guess. But the night before that another store was robbed. And the night before that ... an old antique place was robbed. I just don't understand some people. Why?? It made me a little scared to go to the store to get milk. That is different. Irvine has always been small - but safe. It's a small town where the problems are kept secret. But not Sunday night - we were on the news. We made headlines for our robberies. Fabulous.

But I am grateful for my family & friends that I have been blessed with while I am home. I don't know what I would do without my friend Sarah. She is just a source of encouragement and always knows just what to say. I am glad that old friendships have been revived. I missed some of the girls I spent Sunday night with.

Well it's time to listen to some music and slip into sleep - thinking all the while why things are the way they are..

It has been a day since I got home. Home is beautiful. The future is hopeful. And life is peaceful.

I came home on Saturday night. I drove into the Hollow and to my surprise as I got closer to my house the snow got higher and less scarce. I came home to a winter wonderland. I stopped at my Grandparent's house and picked up the guitar to play the song that Matt taught me. "Drown" by Chasen. My Mamaw & Papaw gave me hugs I had been waiting on all week. The ones that say "we miss you & don't want you to leave again." Those are always welcomed. I played as much as I could with out my pick and then packed up my guitar to take up to my house.

I walked inside my house and noticed that "It's A Wonderful Life" was playing and the Christmas tree was up in front of the window. My parents greeted me with a "SHE'S HOME!" and I sat down in front of the television. Soon after that it was time to decorate the tree! Mom & I fussed at each other - it wouldn't be tradition if we didn't.

Then I played some more guitar and failed at Chasen's new song once again. My fingers started throbbing and I decided it was time for Crocheting my Mamaw's Christmas present.

There are some grand things about Winter Break - like all the things I mentioned above - but the bad thing is that I get extremely scatter brained & can't remember anything that I am supposed to do. I have about 10 billion things on my to-do list and probably will only get one or two things done .... and that might be because I am forced to by my parents.. It's a sad - beautiful life I live.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with Bren & his little bro - whom I haven't met yet. He said Terry and Charles might be coming too. This could be interesting. But before I see Bren I am going to the DOCJT to help my mom and dad take food to my dad's co-workers. I get to see everyone I worked with this summer- which will be great! I have to figure out how to apply for a passport - I don't understand why it is so hard for me to figure everything out & get it done! Then it's time for support letters to send out for Acts 1:8. (EXCITEMENT). But I think one of the best parts of Break will be this weekend! ROAD TRIP WITH THE GARMIN! I am going to Nashville to visit with Aly and my parents are letting me take their Garmin - awesome! Matt, Andrew, Aly, and I will be going to the Andrew Peterson concert at the Ryman on Thursday - dream come true!! Then Matt & I are taking another road trip to Lake Barkley to hang out with my fam. - Matt is going to keep me sane - or at least try!

Saturday night will be full of Christmas movies, Euchre, 31, and great company & I can not wait!

Well, due to finals week being stressful - I have screwed up my sleep pattern once again & can't seem to want to go to bed. It's getting to be a problem, especially since I have to be up super early in the morning!

Also - A's & B's this semester. Life is good & college is a successful experience so far.

Praise Him - for His grace is sufficient

The Best Gift

It is amazing how just a small chat over coffee can turn into a few hours in a heart to heart. I met with a Godly woman tonight who always seems to have the most wise advice. She has a huge heart and is never afraid to tell you that she cares for you. She is always encouraging, uplifting, motivating, inspiring, and just all around someone who makes you smile after you have spent a few moments talking to her.

This is the type of woman I want to become. I want to be someone who everyone else knows they can come to with a problem - and they know I will address it with prayer and scripture. I want to offer wise advice because of experience and most of all, I want to have the peace that she has. (And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.)

We discussed matters of the heart - boys, friends, and broken-spirits. We discussed spiritual growth - and how to continue on when faith seems difficult. We both shared our hearts - and had our times when the tears almost fell. But the joy was always there. The joy that we have in Christ. It was so beautiful.

Sometimes that is all you need to be rejuvenated. God puts people in your life to help you through a season. And this Godly woman is one He has put in my life. People are blessings and friendships are precious gifts. Tonight I got to take a break from thinking - problems - finals - packing - and work to just be genuine.

It was the best gift I could have gotten.

I forgot.. thanks for reminding me.

there are sometimes I forget you are Christ and the High Priest. I forget that You are all-powerful. That You have everything figured out. That You created me for a reason. That I don't have to worry - because You are in control. It slips my mind that I am not perfect. That I screw up.

But then I remember... Your grace is sufficient. You are all-knowing, all-powerful. Everything was created for Your purpose. You have a plan - everything isn't just happening. And that I don't need to worry - but through prayer and petition let my requests be made known to You. I remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Forgive me. I forgot. It slipped my mind.
But then... I remember how much I screw up - and that You never do.
Thanks for giving me joy & peace & reminding me that my life isn't for Emily, but all because of Jesus.

Diamonds In The Sky...

THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE LAST YEAR FOR AN ENGLISH CLASS.. I REALIZED I AM A SUCKER FOR WRITING DESCRIPTIVE ESSAYS.. THESE ASSIGNMENTS ARE FUN FOR ME - GO AHEAD, JUDGE AWAY.



The stars are amazing. They serve many purposes, such as form the constellations that help us map the universe. One pointed the way for seeking wise men to find the baby Jesus. The stars inspire romantic nights. Sometimes even just gazing at the stars can heal broken hearts. The stars from some perspectives may be just dots, just balls of fire, but against the dark sky they can be seen as diamonds sparkling at just the right time for just the right person. To some, the stars may even seem beautiful.
The beauty of something is not seen just in passing, but developed in the heart by a process of thought, consideration, and desperation for something beautiful. Things are beautiful not for their perfection, but the exact opposite. Beauty is transparent, and does not build up walls. It is about seeing through to the truth of something. It is about noticing something unique, breathtaking and inspiring. Beauty sparks inspiration and I find the stars beautiful because they not only inspire but comfort in the time when it seems I cannot go on.

We see beauty everywhere in a flower, a friend, a kind word, a sunset, a smiling child; beauty is everywhere. I believe that the reason why we don’t find beauty in something is because of the hardening of a heart. Anger creates bitterness which leads to finding something as repulsive. When an argument is sparked with a friend, everything that is wrong with them is pointed out, but before when there was no confrontation, they were beautiful.

Beauty not only soothes, but inspires. There have been several days I have just stopped to think about all the things around me that were beautiful and could teach me joy for that moment just to make it through the hour. The bells of a tower on my college campus uplift me to continue up the hill that seems to stretch for eternity. The suns warm rays shining on my face encourages me to develop a smile in the midst of chaos.

The world that we live in is a cold place, no one seems to understand the beauty of simplicity of nature or another human. We are examined by others who try to find a flaw in us, this in turn makes a person who was trying to be beautiful for who they were search for flaws in others. “Do unto others” is the correct quote, right? We forget that we are human and imperfect and expect others to be something that they aren’t. How did this horrible tradition of tearing others apart start and more importantly, when will it be finished?
One night when everything seemed to be crashing down I laid all of my troubles underneath the beauty of the stars. They seemed to twinkle with each problem I named off; soon the twinkles greatly outnumbered my petty difficulties. Realizing how truly small and unimportant some things is something that needs to be done when the bad seems to outweigh the good. It is extremely too easy to get caught up in pessimism, a conscious decision has to be made each morning to choose to make the most of the day, and to live life the way we were created to live it to the fullest.

Beauty can be found in each person, so search for it. When looking for the good it is not a task to look over the bad. When looking for beauty in someone else don’t forget to notice what is truly amazing about you. No one is perfect so if someone tries to make it seem like you are failing when you make a minor mistake, know that you are you which happens to be absolutely beautiful.

An everyday challenge for each individual needs to be: search for beauty, be inspired, don’t let your heart be hardened to bitterness, and see the big picture, not the petty problems. Most importantly, become aware of the diamonds in the sky shining just for you.

Teach Us, LORD

It hit home tonight:

"Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts."

I was talking to a friend about how there was a lot of stuff to do this week & I got a little overwhelmed while filling out my to-do list for Tuesday.. But I realized something while in conversation with this friend.. it doesn't matter! There will be many things to do every day & they will all get done - they have so far. As long as I work at everything enthusiastically as if I am working for the Lord and not for men, then things will get done.

My to-do list has 18 items on it & that is absolutely okay with me. I have a ton of responsibilities and that is a blessing also.. because if I didn't - I would be bored out of my mind!

The reason why this is so important. is simply because I need to focus on the things that matter - serving the Lord, following His purpose for my life, and not being just a visitor in this world. But having a big heart - thanks to CF for the Colossians Study - and being vulnerable. While it is necessarily more safe to have a small heart and avoid relationships... that is not what we are called to do. We are called to Love Our Neighbor. This doesn't happen through just a small - hello once a month - but investing in who an individual is.

So. I will pray that the Lord will teach me to number my days so that I may develop wisdom in my heart.

-His Grace Is Sufficient-

in this city...

Thanksgiving break has been amazing so far.
I found out about 1.8 Leadership Experience, got to hang out with some fabulous friends!

My friend Bethy's boyfriend made us dinner Monday night after we watched Madagascar 2. It was so great to be back with my friends from high school. They have changed so much, as have I. The summer after we graduated we didn't talk at all, and I believe it was a good thing. We needed to grow up. Now one has a cute apartment, and a family, and the other is headed towards her area of profession and in a serious relationship with an amazing guy who is after the Lord's heart. And me, well.. I am working in what I want to pursue as a career and focusing on God - I think we are all doing just fine.. & being reunited seems to be the icing on the cake... even though it makes me feel extremely old! Especially when I was feeding Bethy's baby!



I also got to see my old managers at The Twin. They told me some stuff that has been happening in Estill with the churches and such. He said that 'the girl' got saved. Which is awesome! I also got to go to a prayer walk around my old high school. I got to go into the auditorium around 6:30 and read scripture, while lifting up the school. It was such a great feeling.

Last year the churches around Estill started getting together once a month to pray around and inside the school. There was a lot of open homosexuality, drugs, and apathy in the building during school hours. But after hours, there was prayer and God's word being read. Now that is not as big of a problem. One of my past teachers - whom I look up to - told me this. But now he says there isn't any leadership in the school with the Christian organizations. None of the students want to get involved or be a light. This is something that breaks my heart. How are people supposed to hear unless there is someone to tell them. The reason why it is so upsetting is because I was the student in high school who wanted to lead the group and talk about Jesus during the meeting, but after that was over I was all about talking behind people's backs, starting drama, and getting involved with boys who didn't honor God.

But He is the God of this city.. and Better things are still to be done in this city..




I truly believe that He is moving through His children & it is amazing to be able to see fruit in my hometown!

His Grace is sufficient.

to the ends of the earth.

This weekend I went to an interview for summer missions with 1.8 Leadership. I was really nervous the week prior, but slowly excitement took over all other emotions. I had to leave early on Friday to get there on time, so it was really stressful to get everything done and prepared for the interview - plus homework, projects, preparing to go home, extended worship, and tons of other stuff. But everything got done in time and I was off to Louisville with my friend Marcus by 2pm - after stopping to get some pumpkin chip muffins from a wonderful lady! -

When we got there... we checked into our hotel rooms and then got lost trying to find a Starbucks.. we finally found it and were on our way to the KBC for two days of interviews. It started with dinner. Then we went into another room to play some get to know you games & get separated into different groups to be assigned a project. My group was a little slow getting to know each other at first.. but by the end of the night our project was almost finished, we were watching Elf, and eating pizza we had ordered. It was a great time to get to know some amazing people who are just as passionate as I am about serving the Lord.

It was neat to see all the different talents coming together to achieve a goal. I will have to say that the worst part of the weekend was eating Vienna sausages for a scavenger hunt. I had to eat a whole can of them. It was totally disgusting!! I gagged & started tearing up.. but that was the only down part of the whole weekend.

I was in church this morning and we were taking up an offering for missions. To make everyone understand and encourage them to give - the pastor had us read the Great Commission and then Acts 1:8. I was so moved by reading the verse with my brothers and sisters that a few tears fell. It was so beautiful.

I will hear whether or not I got a spot on the 1.8 Leadership Team this week - before Thanksgiving. I can't wait!!

There will definitely be an update of info after I am informed.

the race that lies before us.

I have realized lately that the ones who are closed to you are the ones who can easily tear you apart. They know what gets under your skin and they know how to drive you crazy. Last night I decided that it really doesn't matter. I have been given this personality and no matter if people say I am quiet, or need to be more social. I have been created for a reason & with a purpose & I am just living life. I was walking back from parking my car in that darn gravel lot (that I have come to despise at 12 am) last night/this morning & I wanted to just be angry... stew about how my friends are treating me... how they seem to be able to make me feel like if I was not around them - they couldn't tell the difference.. But instead.. the scripture I memorized today and Saturday came to mind and I started saying it... thinking about it.. and trying to apply it.

"Since we have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and sin that so easily ensnares us. and let us run with endurance the race that lies before us. Keeping our eyes on Jesus - the source and perfecter of our faith. Who by the joy that lay before him endured the cross, despised the shame, and sat at the right hand of God's throne."

So easily, it seems, I get distracted by the small, trivial things that won't matter 2 days from now. I need to keep my eyes on Jesus - the source and perfecter of my faith.

And that leads me to the things that are important. The topic of recent conversation has been summer missions & all that fun stuff. There was some guy that came from Fargo, ND to talk about recruiting about 5 or 6 college students from LHope to go up there for the summer and live the missionary life in Fargo. It was awesome to see his heart and his plan for a church in Fargo.

Before he spoke, a man talked about mission opportunities is South Asia. It was so intriguing. I haven't ever been interested in spending more than a few weeks in a different country - since I have never been before... But when he talked about a summer & a semester opportunity - something inside me was sparked.

This Friday I will be on my way to Louisville for ACTS One Eight Leadership Experience State Interviews. Marcus, Aly, and I will be spending the weekend with brothers and sisters from across the state. If things work out with this & I do get to go ... then I will be spending a few weeks serving in Louisville & a few weeks in the Dominican Republic working with water purification. I have to admit.. I have never been put in a position where I have been out of my comfort zone - but I am excited at the chance.

I have always been nervous about going out & doing missions - mainly because it is just a little.. well.. exciting/intmidating/scary to know that the Lord is going to use you in ways you never imagined... & the thought of rejection.. that always makes me a little nervous (My weight and sin that I need to lay aside).

I have had a ton of people offer wise advice about missions.. One was that "you are the same person here - that you are over there." Which puts a lot of things into perspective and is helping me to realize how intentional our lives need to be with sharing the Gospel.

Another was along the lines of 'when you focus on yourself and how you are afraid or insecure you are taking the attention off of Christ & making things about you.' (They were refering to outreach)

How true is that though - we are not anyone different when we go to Fargo, South Asia, or the Dominican Republic. So why not start here - for one thing... everyone needs to hear about what Christ can do for them (& it doesn't cost anything to do missions where you are right now...)

So as I challenge myself to go out & have gracious words seasoned with salt - I challenge whoever happens to read this to be intentional & aware of who is around you, who is hurting, and who needs to feel the unconditional love of Christ.

until next time
-attempting to keep my eyes on Jesus - the source & perfecter of my faith!

Striving For More.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

This is the topic of discussion with my DGroup & the mission is to strive for righteousness. My DGroup leader (who is awesome, by the way) challenged us to think about this throughout the week. The most important thing to remember is not that we are to strive for righteousness, but why we should.

Just the thought that we DO HAVE a high priest who has gone through the heavens (or gone into heaven) has been tempted in every way (just like us), but didn't sin! So we can approach His throne with confidence and there we will find mercy and grace to help us when we need it. How encouraging!

2 Corinthians 6:14-7:1
Do not be mismatched with unbelievers. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship does light have with darkness? What agreement does Christ have with Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? And what agreement does God's sanctuary have with idols? For we are the sanctuary of the living God, as God said:

I will dwell among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be My people.

Therefore, come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord; do not touch any unclean thing, and I will welcome you.

I will be a Father to you, and you will be sons and daughters to Me, says the Lord Almighty.

Therefore dear friends, since we have such promises, we should wash ourselves clean from every impurity of the flesh and spirit, making our sanctification complete in the fear of God.

This has been so difficult for me to grasp lately. There are three promises God gives. These promises adress our problems of security, identity, and love.

These are my biggest struggles. Some people deal with different stuff, but my most difficult thing to overcome is the lack of confidence which leads to insecurity and a search for identity. I believe that this is something that will only be better once i find my security and identity in Christ. Everything else will just fade away & leave me empty and even more insecure. The only one who gives me something worth while is Christ. Why is it so hard to try to find this confidence.

I guess the good aspect of this is that I don't find any confidence in myself, which could have been a pride problem. But instead I have an extreme case of humility which can be dangerous at times. I don't notice all the gifts that God has given me to worship Him in my every day life.

So I pass on my challenge to Strive for Righteousness and Purity. Also a new challenge... to believe the promises of God.

New York City is official. I am going with two great friends!
We just got our tickets last night. The flight leaves December 27th and we will be back January 2nd. I can't wait to be sipping my Starbucks in the city surrounded by places to purchase some lovely things. It's going to be amazing!!

The best part is that we will be in Times Square for New Year's Eve. The Jonas Brothers will also be there. We might get to hang out (in our dreams).

But it's almost here!

Meribah & Massah.

Never before have I ever been so excited to study the bible as I was tonight.
I finally learned what Psalm 95:8 is referring to.. Exodus 17. This is a great story. It sums up the grace and mercy of our God.

So.. here is the run down, if you don't already know...

The children of Israel were on a journey that God commanded and they were led by the pillar of cloud and fire. They came to a place where there was no water for them to drink - I am pretty sure that in the previous chapter they were provided with manna and something else.. so why would they worry now.. but how many times do we do this daily. the Lord provides and then we freak out when something else happens.. like He isn't there.. but back to the story - This was a trial of their faith and sometimes we are brought into these times, but God is glorified in our relief. They began to question whether or not God was with them (even though they were being led by the pillar of cloud and fire.. curious). This sis how they were "tempting God", which signifies distrust after they had not had proof of his power and goodness.

God then graciously appeared to them when He told Moses to hit the rock with the stick that he hit the Nile with. Then water came from the rock.. WOW. This shows the Lord has patience with sinners. It reminds me of the verse that says, "when we were still sinner, Christ died for us."

Then one thing that the commentary I was reading said that just made me take a deep breath, overwhelmed with the love of Christ. "The Son of God is smitten for us."

A new name was given to the place where the children of Israel has this trouble. The name was in remembrance, not of the mercy of their supply - but of the sin of their murmuring. "Massah" which means temptation.. because they tempted God. & "Meribah" which means strife.. because they argued with Moses. Sin leaves a blot upon the name.

So... It is not just some story in the Old Testament that we hear in Sunday School as children.. but instead it is mentioned in about 4 other places in the Bible that I know of right now.

This is a real story that we can use to guide our own lives. Proverbs talks about learning from the fools land... and we can use this story of the children of Israel's distrust to know that God is always with us and He will provide. We just need to trust!!!

-HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT.

Lonely Tonight

I should be finishing up a quiz for my class.. but instead I am being comforted by a Matt Wertz song: Lonely Tonight. It hits the spot today.

Sometimes I just feel this way.. I want to spend the night alone with my Maker.

I just want to be lonely tonight, just me and my maker in this cold moonlight. And anticipation has been wearing me thin.And I just can't help but wonderin' baby if somehow We could tear these pages out and begin again. I just want to be lonely tonight
With no one around to see the sight Of me lying here. I won't be lonely tonight, because my Maker's holding me.

Sometimes it does feel like everything is falling apart and I am lonely. But the truth is.. He is holding me. & I am so grateful!!

-HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT

Times Square, Baby.

I just recieved a phone call to tell me that the Jonas Brothers will be performing in Times Square on New Year's Eve.. Which is where I will be! I developed a slight obsession for the group of brothers when I saw a picture of Joe Jonas. But then he started dating Taylor Swift & I knew I no longer had a chance with him.

I really do get cold chills each time that I think about being in times square on December 31st. I can't wait until I am freezing and spending a crazy day with some of the greatest girls! It will truly be a beautiful day!!

Beautiful Day

Today was a beautiful day. I was able to go to work early, because one of my classes was canceled. I was then given my check, ate lunch with an amazing friend, and was told to leave work early!

After that I met a friend and we went to this cute place called Jackson's Orchard. It was so pretty and oh so relaxing. It was a day of many firsts.
MY FIRST:
-hayride of the year
-visit to a pumpkin patch
-time to go to an orchard
-day that felt like fall!
-apple slush

I then got to dinner with my parents and a different friend. It was so good to just be able to relax. Now I am sitting in my dorm, trying to study for Psychology 100. It's not working out very well, apparently. I was just wondering why I didn't get invited to something... everyone else is out for a girl's birthday, when I wasn't invited to go. But it has been a beautiful day, and I need to be thankful!
Praise Him for great friends & lovely days.

Today is different.

I swear it is. I will work harder, I will try more, I will give my all.

I can say these things and it can mean absolutely nothing, unless Christ is in it. I can make all sorts of promises that are broken. I have tried my best to make things more genuine, more real, and better. But it always ends up broken.

& it happens again...

The thing that frustrates me the most.. is when people act one way a certain day and then completely change their personality toward me.

There are so many guys that lie about who they are. They seem overjoyed to be able to walk you to your dorm, car, class, or random place you are going at night. But two weeks later, they are done. You don't need their protection or care any more. I understand that I can take care of myself, and I am not saying that I need a guy to escort me to the place I am headed, but if you offer and think it is necessary, don't stop randomly. It makes it seem like you stopped caring, or I am not worth your time.

I have a few awesome brothers who will do anything for anyone at any time of day. But there are those few who put on a mask to get you think they are a gentleman, when really, they aren't. I think this is why I often deal with the issue of confidence. (or maybe it just adds to the problem) when a guy makes me think that I am so special that they would take time out of their busy schedule to make sure I am safe, then later I find myself walking to the parking structure one late night, it seems as if I don't matter. That is quite devastating.

I can count at least five "boys" who have done this. It's just getting old.

I am thankful for my brothers who care for everyone and have a heart for Christ and people. But I am sick of those who are posing. It's simply annoying.

blessings.

i live in a beautiful place. it's called bowling green. I have beautiful friends, ones who care about me and offer advice and laughter whenever the time calls for it. I have a wonderful family who misses me while I am away. I go to the greatest college ever - Western Kentucky University.

But how many times do I focus on the negative. There are many people who don't even know what it is like to have some of the things I mentioned previously. I am very blessed. The Lord has also provided me with a job. A way to make some money and finally feel independent from my parents. This is something I have been waiting for a long time. It is not only a job, but an internship dealing with Public Relations.

I also have this amazing little sister who was placed on my heart & mind last Tuesday (well.. really every day). I couldn't stop crying about her situation. But she is better. She is so beautiful & has a wonderful heart. She makes me soo happy!!!

But I do believe that the best thing about the past few weeks has been that the Lord is so awesome & revealing Himself to me. I have been trying my best to do my quiet time each day (I will not act like I am perfect.. I still mess up & forget to do it every once and a while. But I am trying my best to fill myself with Him each day). I have made a promise to the Lord... To focus on Him this semester. To grow in Him & not anyone else. To establish myself in Him & not get consumed by anyone else. I usually have this problem with guys.. So I am just eliminating the problem for a little while. I am growing closer to my brothers in Christ and not growing attached to the attractive guys walking by me each day. It will be difficult.. but my goal is to "speak and act as one who will be judged by the law of freedom" and that mean I make the Lord my God, get to know Him, love Him, and tell others about what He has done.

I think this semester will be amazing. BCM is awesome. our worship service 180 is amazing!! Mainly because we are realizing that it is the Lord's time & not ours. It is not our time to shine, but His time to be known on a college campus..

goodbye, anticipation, disappointment, old friends.

finally, it's time to leave. The summer is over, soon the fun will begin.

I said goodbye tonight to my grandparents & every time it seems to get more difficult. Will it be the last time I say goodbye? They are so precious to me. My grandpa hardly knows anything anymore, he is very clumsy & finally got a cane- at a yard sale- he's officially an old man now. It's sad, but beautiful. In Proverbs, it says that gray hair is an elders crown. It is true. It shows wisdom.

I am rather disappointed at how this summer turned out, but a little relieved. Once again, it won't be difficult for me to say goodbye to anyone other than my parents & grandparents. (and a few from my church family) At least it's not hard on me or anyone else. I am thankful, but wish I had memories to look back on from this summer that included others. There were a few fun nights, yea, but no friends that will last through this next semester. I am thankful for constant people that love the Lord that live in Bowling Green, I am thankful for my support.

My bike is strapped onto my car.. which means I am ready to drive to Bowling Green. -it's about time-

There are still piles around the house, but they are piles that are recognizable. It's a start.

I am leaving tomorrow morning & hopefully going to have breakfast with my mother. That should be interesting... Maybe she will be nice due to my leaving.

I was supposed to have breakfast with a friend, my previous manager from Roundhill General Store, Ursula. She is such a godly woman. She and her husband got a divorce. How can such a horrible thing happen to a family that seemed so beautiful & full of love, when actually it was full of deceit. How pathetic. Unfortunately, she did not call me back, so I guess breakfast will have to wait for another time. She is such a strong woman, I look up to her a lot! She still has her job and I think two kids, who adore her. I miss her.

The phone just rang.. I waited in anticipation. why? Who is it I wish was on the other line? I am ridiculous & very random.


Book to read: "I heart Bloomberg" - Melody Carlson.

Dust & empty soda cans = an empty life...

I am concerned.
I have this friend... and she is so confused. There are times when I wish I could tell her she is just going through a VERY LONG phase and reassure her everything will be just fine. But she won't listen. She never seems to listen to what I say.. sure she says she does & she says my advice and support helps her, but I can never believe her.
5 minutes after I spend a few hours feeding her truth after truth she goes back to her previous thoughts. These previous thoughts are destroying her. I am angry ... no.. furious that Satan keeps giving her these lies that she seems to believe. He tells her... 1) you are too busy for Christ, too busy for a relationship, just give it up for now, he has given up on you. 2) you are not a precious child of God, you are nothing, not important to anyone, give up. 3) your friends don't care about you, they never have. 4) No one is here to support you or encourage you, you are alone.

I am watching my friend unravel, she is not who I used to know. It's actually, quite sad to see it happen. Why can't she just be her giddy, cute, laughing self. Well, was it all a show. Is this who she really is, someone who can barely keep their head above the water??
Someone who lies to the people who are trying to help her.
Someone who says 6 months!! & really means 3 days??

I can't give up on her, I love her. She is so precious! She is my sister in Christ. She is my friend. I was able to overcome it, so I have to believe that she can too.

You see, I understand her. We are pretty much the same person. Same struggles, same lies, same issues. Same everything. Everyday I ask myself whether or not I should read the truth, and to speak honestly... more times I chose not to.. but I can't get that far away, not as far as her. Because I know, that when everything seems to be crashing down, I have a grasp on the one thing that is constant, the one thing that is true, and the one thing that is beautiful. My Creator. My Joy, when nothing is going right. My Peace, when I can't seem to find a minute to breathe. My LORD, when I don't want to listen to anyone. My Truth, when everyone seems to speak lies. My Consuming Fire, when everything around me is just so... dull.

My dear friend. You are precious, loved, missed, amazing, beautiful, talented, special, smart, and you make me laugh, all the time. Even when you may feel like crying, or breaking down. You try to make other people happy. Dear, it is time for you to make yourself happy, and I am not talking about the happy that is there one minute and the next, you miss it & wonder what happened. I am talking about joy, peace, and a true smile. I want you, my precious little sister, to understand how important you are, how easy it is to accept it & how evident are the lies that you keep holding on to!! Let go, little one! Accept what you know is true.. I know what you are saying.. HOW? I CAN'T. LATER! but you are missing life, and the only thing that is important in it, your journey with Christ. Don't push the truth away, when you know it.

Wrap Me In Your Arms, LORD.

"The LORD will work everything out."

I am amazed at how my grandfather has so much trust. It seems to come so easily to Him. Yet I have trouble trusting Him in relationships and with my job. Why is it so difficult for us to accept that the LORD does truly have the best plan for our lives. He is our Maker and the only One True Healer. Can I not accept that?

I am so thankful for those who have been loving God for as long as I can remember. Those who have instilled in me a longing for knowledge and understanding of God. Accept, Trust, Understand, Believe, Know.. there are so many things that a relationship with Christ demands of someone. Demands for your well-being. For you to be closer to the Creator. But yet.. even when we know it is for our own good, we still neglect to offer ourselves, our lives, and our thoughts. Everything we are.

There are so many things that the has taught me, in my life that has almost been 20 years. He told me tonight that he didn't know what he would do without me. He wrapped me in a hug with his strong right arm and almost lifeless ages left arm. It was a hug that was long overdue. A hug that seemed to say. I offer my vulnerability to you. I offer myself. You are my grandchild. I am your grandfather and love you for who you are.

How much more does the Lord wrap us in His Strong amrs that never lt go, never get ages, and never become sore. He never gets tired of holding us. He wants to be close to us. I am even more overdue for a hug from my Savior. To be wrapped in the arms of the only One who will never let me go. Never leave me. Never quit forgiving me. And never get abandon me.

Wrap me in Your arms, Lord. Surround me.

Lord, Blessed Be Your Name

"You give & take away, and my heart will choose to say, "Lord, blessed be your name!"

it is the truth. Friends leave. and we wonder why it happens. God gave them at just the perfect time & when our paths call in separate directions He will raise other people to fill in those holes created by the loss (changing) of those that we held so dear.

I had a group of wonderful friends last year that made each day seem a little brighter & they have all been removed from my life, due to decisions they have made. I miss them, that is definitely for sure, but I miss who they were. Who they have become is someone that I do not know. It is quite sad, I wish they were as kind, caring, and fun as they used to be. We all went our separate ways.

one has fallen into Satan's trap through lots of temptation and feelings of loneliness, I tried to help this person, tell them that I was there. But they keep listening to the Tempter. I have no idea why, maybe because it is easy to accept the pain instead of try to do something to stop it...

the second has become one thing, a jerk. He used to seem to care a little bit about others, but now, all that has flown out the window. We used to have fun together, we used to laugh, and play games, and drink coffee while talking about the future. But now ... we fight. ...

the third and last companion is currently in California with his wife. I would like to say something about him and who he is now, but I don't know. Knowing that he is in California is a huge step up on the information ladder. He said that we were his friends, that he knew it. But he has let our friendship dwindle to nothing. This is probably the saddest case, because he could very easily be injured, or killed & I would have no idea. This person that I invested so much time & poured out my heart to on many occasions doesn't seem to care. He is preoccupied. What a horrible thing to be when a friend just wants to care for you?

But God has risen up wonderful people to help me along in this journey called life. I am surrounded by beautiful people, that love me. & if one day we will go our separate ways. I will know that around the corner I will have Jesus & that is all the reassurance that I need to get through the day

:)