25 things.

1) I love to express myself through writing - my journal is my favorite way - but this blog has made things more creative.

2) I get homesick sometimes - and when I do it is a scary situation.

3) I make lists of things I have to do for the day - checking off the boxes in front of each activity is the highlight of my day. When I get all of them done - rarely happens - it is the best feeling of accomplishment ever!

4) I love taking artsy photos and writing encouraging sayings - or verses on them. I have done this many times - but I never have the time to print the out to decorate.

5) My life is so hectic that sometimes I feel like I barely have time for people - but I would hate to be bored.

6) When I grow up (i wanna be a star.. jk) I want to do PR for my own business which I wish was a coffee shop that worked with churches to reach out to the community where God wants me to be for that time.

7) I REALLY want to learn how to fly so I can be a pilot when I am done with PR - or whatever it is I do as a profession.

8) I am a very shy person at first - but when I open up - I am one of the most silly and dumb people you have probably ever met.

9) I am one of those people that gasps while in the car and scares the driver so bad that they almost wreck - usually it's over a pretty house or something trivial.

10) I love to drive around and look at beautiful houses and picture myself living there when I am older and have family :)

11) Sometimes I think of great craft ideas and finish them. But usually I start them - buy supplies and the supplies sit there for a few months or years.

12) I hate reading fiction but could read spiritual inspiration all day long.

13) The Lord is continuing to heal my heart daily - and I am so grateful.

14) When it is a beautiful spring or fall day my favorite thing to do is take a camera, get in the car, blast a fun c.d. and find scenes to take pictures. (the windows are also rolled down)

15) I have been known to chase the sunset - it is the most inspiring thing ever!

16) I am very insecure - but am working on it.

17) I really do believe that my family story is a miracle of God.

18) My grandmother is the most beautiful woman I know

19) I could spend all day drinking coffee and writing/reading in a cute little coffee shop

20) I love to find new coffee shops (not starbucks or brands)

21) I spent New Years Eve and the first few hours of 2009 in TIMES SQUARE.

22) I am in love with the beach and the sound of the waves and the sand - but I HATE the water and the fact that things live in it.

23) The most soothing thing to me is playing my guitar late at night and singing my heart out - but no one will ever hear that .. other than my parents and Aly. (she lived with me and had to deal with it)

24) my favorite thing to do in Ravenna in the summer/fall/spring is ride my bike through town and listen to my ipod.

25) I am not and will never be close to being perfect but I love Christ not only because He saved me from Hell... but because He rescues me every day and makes life worth living.

Healing.

Something exciting has happened. When I least expected it.. and with news that would have made me upset a few months ago. With this info and this random moment when the sun was shining on a beautiful day - the Lord healed my heart. It is not completely healed - and I am sure this is going to be a long process. But yesterday I let go, I gave up trying to fix how I was hurt last spring. It was a big deal, but now... I give it up to Him.

Do not worry about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart in Christ Jesus.

I read this verse before I went and took my test in News Editing. But after a few more things happened that day - I realized that it is true when it says.. IN EVERYTHING. through prayer and petition. and also the whole.. don't worry about ANYTHING. this is in life - with tests and matters of the heart. God is for us. Trust Him. Which brings me to the next few verses that mean a lot.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in ALL your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths.

Sometimes it seems hard to know which is the best way to go. But there is hope if you trust.

So. something wonderful has happened. I am no longer bitter & don't really care about things that have hurt me in the past. Like i said... I am not saying it didn't happen or that it didn't hurt - which just brings more glory to God. He was able to heal me & I finally let Him. And will continue to.

There Is Reason

I told my D-Group leader to ask me a question last semester, "Do you remember the promises of God?" She asked me tonight.

I said, "um... I guess so." How is that we can so easily forget that our God has made us promises?

The sweet, sweet promises that say He will be our God & we will be His people. He will be our Father & we will be called His sons and daughters. This should spur us on to purity.. and it does. But we have to remember the promises in order to understand what in our life needs to be different in order to line up with the promises and what God wants for us. (I am speaking to myself mostly.. the 'us' & 'we' is just easier...)

So I actually started studying for my ECON class, recopied my notes (that never happens) and was ready to read for the class and a song played on my Iphone. It is called "There Is Reason" by Caedemon's Call. And it spoke wonders to me. It was the song that reminded me of the promises of God. Those promises that make your heart beat faster and make the day worth living - and not only that.. but living it and noticing the joyous things God put in our lives. The beauty that He is... is all around. And a simple song reminded me of that tonight.. (I just love it when that happens!!)

So.. I am not sure who needs to be reminded that God is fro us.. but here are the lyrics for the song.

Late at night I wonder why, sometimes I wonder why. sometimes I'm so tired I don't even try. Seems everything around me fails but I hold onto the promise that there is a reason. Late at night darkness makes it hard to see the history of the saints who've gone in front of me through famine, plague and disbelief His hand was still upon them because there is reason.

He makes all things good. There's a time to live and a time to die. A time for wonder and to wonder why. There is reason.

I believe in a God who sent His Holy Son to walk upon this earth and give His life for us. With blood and tears and a long dark night you know that He believed there is reason.

He makes all things good.

A time to live and a time to die. A time for wonder and to wonder why. There is reason.

For the lonely nights... and the broken hearts... the widow's might... and the rich man's hand...and the continent whose blood becomes a traitor... the child afraid to close their eyes... and the prayers that seem unanswered.. There is reason. He makes all things good.

Thank you, Jesus for this simple blessing.

Longing for romance

I started off tonight with a long conversation with a dear friend that knows me very well. We discussed life and what has been going on lately. I shared a deep desire that has been on my heart lately... It involved a boy who is very special to me whom I never see anymore. I desired and longed to be noticed by him again and for him to pursue me like he once did.. And then I realized that is such frequent cry if my heart and probably most young women who have not had someone special take interest in them lately. We desire to be noticed, loved, treasured, and romanced (the chapter in captivating that I am reading). Above all we want to feel like we are special. I also noticed that it is when this happens with a boy that I sort of open up. All of us do. We brighten up. And know we are special.

What I realized tonight - thanks to john and Stasi eldredge is that I do not have to wait for a man to make me feel this way. Christ has been romancing me since i was a young girl. He has put special things in my life to show me how much he loves me and wants me to love him with all I have.

One scene that has been recently on my mind has been of this summer at lake reba. I worked from 8-4:30 every day at an unpaid internship. It was freezing in the building while it was almost 90 outside. I would pack my lunch in the mornings - since cash was scarce (unpaid internship... remember?). I would think about my escape that would occur at 11:30. I would leave the frigid office where the silence was deafening at times and head to the lake to sit and bask in the sun while I would do my bible study for the day.

I remember staring at the beautiful scene in front of me wondering if I could stay there all day and just enjoy God's creation. There was one thing that I struggled most with that summer... Knowing and trusting God's purpose (as most would if they had been in my situation. ) Thankfully the last thing that I had been challenged to do while at college in the spring was to read a Proverb each day. The one that would always leave me in tears was 16:4 - I think... The reference may not be correct but the lesson it left on my heart was powerful: purpose, everything was created for the Lord's purpose. It was true... I was special. The Lover of my heart used that summer and those quiet moments to woo me.

Thinking back to the days at the lake a tear falls .. And the message is still as clear as it was when the suns rays warmed me and the beauty of the scene captivated me... I love you. You are worth it. You are beautiful, my darling.

And as I sit in my dorm wondering if I will make it through this semester.. I am capable of my leadership position and have all my fears and weaknesses shoved in my face by the evil one who wants to destroy me... I continue to hear.. You have a purpose. I love you. Give me your all. I will take care of the rest.

Which at this point in my life the romancing may look a little different. But he is reaching me in new ways. With new people. And with new surroundings... And all new opportunities for worship.. But it has the same message. I have always been here. You are mine. Here I AM.
True romance. What I was made for - deep, passionate love for my God.

Everything is making more sense.
I am reading a book called Captivating. It dares to go into that confusing place known as a womans soul. You would think that as a 20 year old woman that I would have somethings figured out by now, but that is not true. I have never read a book (other than beth moore's stuff) that has changed the way I think... This book is beautiful and talks about those silly insecurities that we girls have. And it explains them with this:
"the Evil One had a hand in all that has happened to you. If he didn't arrange for the assault directly then he made sure he drove the message of the wounds home into your heart. He is the one who has dogged your heels with shame & self doubt & accusation. He is the one who offers the false comforters to you in order to deepen your bondage. He is the one who has done these things in order to prevent your restoration. For that is what he fears. He fears who you are; what you are; what you might become. He fears your beauty and your life giving heart....your wounds brought messages with them. Lots of messages. Somehow they all usually land in the same place. They had a similar theme. "You're worthless." "You're not a woman." "You're too much...& not enough." "You're a disappointment." "You are repulsive." On & on they go. Because they were delivered with such pain they felt true. They pierced our hearts & they seemed so true. So we accepted the message as fact. We embraced it as the verdict on us."

I can remember each moment where I started feeling these things. When my parents got divorced and a few years later when I found out my mom was sending me the birthday flowers from my biological father for all those years. And when I found out the real story about the alcohol, other women, and abuse that occured after I was born. When I got older and my friends would make fun, lie, and talk behind my back. When I got even older and was told by a certain boy that he didn't have time for me... After he pursued me and was munipulative to make me and others rely on him. When my mother would criticize every action even after I tried so hard to please her.

There isn't a way to escape the wounds... But there is a way to deal with them and to be healed. And that is only through the One who loves us truely and completely. And only through His power. I thought that I was the only one who felt alone...Was scared of abandonment, and rejection... But everyone has their fear and their deep wounds that they try to cover up instead of letting Christ heal them.

I am diving into a new / old book called Velvet Elvis by a Mr. Rob Bell. I have never been very interested in reading unlessnit has something to do with application. So as you could probably guess I am not one for fiction... So yes, sadly i did miss out on the Twighlight craze. Which I sort if regret after finally seeing the movie.

But on to Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis... The part that i am reading talks about how it is okay to ask questions. If we ever have all the questions of who God is answered then we are making God into something that he isn't. A few words from the book:
" questions bring freedom. Freedom that I don't have to be God and I don't have to pretend that I have it all figured out. I can let God be God.... Central to the Christian experience is the art of questioning God. Not beligeren, arrogant questions that have no respect for our maker, but naked, honest, vulnerable, raw questions, arising put of the awe that comes from engaging the living God... Truth always leads to more.... Truth. Because truth is insight into God and God is infinite and God has no boundaries or edges. So truth always has layers and depth and texture. One of the greatest "theologians" of our time, Sean Penn, put it this way: "when everything gets answered, it's fake. The mystery is the truth."
THE MYSTERY IS THE TRUTH."

This has really been helpful my when encountering and being around people who love the Lord and have different views or opinions. Some people may know that i have been reading up on certain takes of Christianity. Velvet Elvis has helped me realize that no matter how much I get confused, question, or read He is still and always will be a mystery to me and that is the way it is supposed to be. I know that I love Him, want to live for Him, and continue to ask questions... Raw, honest questions... In order to grow closer to the reality that is God and His way that is the truth and the life.

It is finally 2009 and I actually survived new years eve in times square! That is definitely a shocker. I got to spend one week in Bridgeport,connecticut and traveled into new York city every day. It was one of the greatest trips I have ever taken, mainly because if all the random wonderful things that happened. The family that my friends and I were staying with in Bridgeport let us join then for dinner at a restaurant called Bar Americain. The mother if the family works for the restaurant and we didn't have to pay for our meal, which was an awesome thing for three college girls who barely made it to New York. My favorite fay was spent in Chelsea shopping and enjoying the company if each other. It was a calm day and that night we went to see Avenue Q on Broadway. The musical was hilarious!! But very inapropriate at times.

New years eve was almost unbearable. Sara, jamie, and I arrived in Times Square around 12:30 and were there until 12 hours later... I got to see the Jonas Brothers perform twice!! It was great!!! I realized that the only reason why everyone is always so excited at midnight is because they get to leave and get out of the cold weather!! I forgot to mention that it was 19 degrees in times square...

The next day was the hardest to get up and going, mainly becuaae it was still freezing and we didn't get to sleep the night before until 3am. But the plan was to go to central park and finish up shopping that day. Central park was beautiful. We finally found food at this little BBQ restaurant. We were seated very close to this older woman who was enjoying her alcoholic beverage. After we ordered our food and were ready to start showing our grumpy attitudes to each other, the woman next to us said "happy new year!" we responded and our conversation turned into an hour long discussion about
Life. She then motioned to the waitor and said something and pointed to us. We knew she was paying for our meal. The woman had mentioned that she was an actress and had been on the Cosby show before. But I guess we just looked over it. Then she laid a hefty tip on the table infront of her. She got up and told us her name, Marcella Lowery. We said our goodbyes and finished our meal, each trying to grasp what had just happened. Sara learned from her dad later on that the woman played mcNabb's mother in the soup commercials. So we had a conversation and lunch with an older
Celebrity. How random and wonderful. She was so very nice and had told all if us that it Didn't matter what size we were or if we had blonde hair and blue eyes, we were still beautiful. That made my day.

So far my winter break has been amazing. Now I just have to figure out to do with my time while in a small town called Ravenna. This might be more difficult than trying to hail a taxi in 20 degree weather...