One Person

so I found these on one of my old blogs... known as a xanga. it brought back some memories. Ones I wish weren't still there.. but what can you do. I liked what I wrote so I thought I would post it. These are all about how I wasted so much time on one person. We girls are silly.

BROKEN DOWN WORLD
Look at the sad little man, with the sad dark eyes.

He's looking away against everyone's will, they all want to find the prize.

The prize is to find out what those sad, dark eyes, are hiding from the world.

Little do they know the secret is too hard to tell, they will never know that behind the wall is a broken down world.

FALLEN
I've fallen for you
I didn't think it would ever happen
But I'm on the ground and I need some help up
I can't believe it, how easily I gave in.

I guess I was reaching for a dream
and then the next thing I knew I was down and out
I've fallen for you that's all I know
It's the only thing I can figure out.

You didn't mean for me to fall for you
maybe I fell so hard because until now I never acknowleged how I felt
one day I was staring in your eyes,
and the next thing I knew I was ready to melt

FORGOTTEN
I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW IT FEELS FOR YOU TO BE MINE.
I've forgotten everything about you,
everything I loved and hated about you.
I've forgotten how I was your mistake,
but how you weren't mine.
I've forgotten how you hurt me
when I wasn't the only girl you wanted to see.
I've forgotten how you drove me insane
And I've forgotten how I enjoyed my insanity.
I've forgotten about how you didn't seem to care,
how I felt or how I loved you.
I've forgotten all the nights I cried myself to sleep over you.
I've forgotten how many mornings I woke up and wondered if somehow love wouldn't be too strong a word that day.
I've forgotten how I hated you.
I've forgotten how you didn't care if I did.
I've forgotten how my day would brighten just to see you.
And I've forgotten how you wouldn't even notice mine.
I've forgotten that when you started to care
I was too scared.
I've forgotten how I let you slip away.
I've forgotten how it feels for you to be mine.


NEW YEAR'S EFFECT
You're gone,
They're gone.
Those feelings for you.
I don't seem to have a memory,
Of all the dreams that would haunt my sleep relentlessly.
I knew one day you would be gone.
I wasn't sure when, but the shadow of you has dissapeared.
I see you and nothing,
You speak and nothing.
Just joy, because the heartache alone w/ you has gone.
I didn't know how this would feel.
I thought it would be lonely
w/ no one to hold me.
But instead of tears, this smile I can't conceal.
All I know is you're gone and there's nothing,
Yet, there's everything.

BLUR
I look out the blurred windows
So I can’t see what isn’t there
I know what I won’t see
and that is you to visit me

You say you like me..
You say you care
but once again.
To my feelings you weren’t fair

I find myself surrounded once again
Who will be chosen?
I’m stuck in the position
I seem to be frozen

To the road I know my heart wants to take
but my head screams out to be wary
Once before he seemed to be fake
The feeling of losing him again.. it’s scary

Christmas Eve: electrical problems, food, cards, and love.

Today has been quite eventful.
It is Christmas Eve & I am loving life.
Tomorrow is the day to set aside a celebration of a loving God who sent His Son.

Tonight.. well.. it was interesting.
At 4 our electricity went off in McIntosh Hollow (holler) & we had to cook, bake, and wrap by candle light. It was beautiful.

The night also included a candle light service at Cow Creek Baptist Church. It is a small church. But is so precious. It was dark, and had a few christmas-ee decorations in the front of the sanctuary.

My family and I sat on a pew together and were given our candles. We all passed around the flame and took the time to say what we are thankful for. My dad's statement made me tear up. I am oh so thankful for him. When my turn came.. I almost let the moment slip by. But I knew I would regret not giving thanks for what the Lord has given me multiple times this year. Many opportunities to be involved in missions and a way to be a part of ministry. It has been amazing to develop a heart for God's will in just a few short months. After I said my thanks I passed on the light.

My family and I came back to the McIntosh Hollow celebration. We passed out gifts and laughed over many different things. When our little party was over, my parents and I headed back to our house - gifts in hand.

The electricity was still off - so we found all the candles and oil lamps we could and set them around our small house. It was such an amazing sight. We then found some cards and gathered around the kitchen table to play a game called, "31". I mix of Rummy and 21. I beat them with an awesome comeback & after our game was done the lights came back.

I almost wish they had stayed off. I would have been journaling about my night by candle light instead of blogging - but it would have been even more special then. My dad and I cracked jokes on each other and my mom & we decided that tomorrow would be "DD day" (Daddy - Daughter day). We are going to drive my mom to work and then go see Four Christmases at the New Richmond Theater. It will be a precious time!

It is officially Christmas & I am so grateful for the night that will be remembered as one of the Best Christmas Eve Nights. Just me and my family - slowing down and enjoying the blessing that each other is in our life.

Small Town Truths

Small Town Truths

It was a chilly Friday night as the Estill County Engineers rushed on to the football field to face its rival, the Powell County Pirates. They were a surrounding county and not very different from Estill, but they became the enemy at the very moment their students taunted Engineer basketball fans by dressing up as ‘redneck train captains’ during half-time last spring. On this particular Friday night there was tension in the air and everyone knew that if their team did not win they would never hear the end of it, at least until baseball season. It would seem like just any other football game to an outsider, but to the citizens of the small town, it is the highlight of the year. The one time they get to prove they are better.

The track surrounds the football field and there is a caboose that shows the Engineer pride. The crowd is composed of many different characters. Most of the high school students are doing their social duty by walking around the track and greeting all their friends. The cheerleaders are winking to their boyfriends as they cheer on their team, and the boyfriends talk about the party that will take place after they egg the rival’s school bus.

The parents scream at the referees, shouting that the recent call made was obviously wrong; they taunt the other school more than the students. Behind the crowd of proud parents there is a different crowd, they scream the same theme to the refs and Powell County fans, but more obscene words are used. They hold their Ale-8’s in one hand, and cigarette in the other. Some would argue that there is more than just a caffeinated beverage in the ale-8 glass bottle. This group includes the 27th year seniors who never left the towns, got a job in the local factory, and have been divorced six times.

The most important characters in the crowd are the overachiever, the satisfied, the musician, and the mask. The overachiever is found on the football field right beside his fellow team captain, across from the rival team. Before the coin is tossed he says, “Heads” confidently. The coin lands heads up and Estill County gets the kick-off. He holds his head high and knows he will get congratulated for the 3 touchdowns he will make at the game tonight.

The overachiever is particularly fond of his grades that he will use to get into his university of choice. He already has a couple of full-ride scholarships that are in the bag. Next year he will be out of this hole of homework, always being perfect, and his parent’s breathing down his neck. No one knows of the pressure that he feels surrounding him. From the academic team to the football team, he is the leader and the one everyone looks to. The overachiever is ready to be rid of all the responsibility. He will always have his name on the trophies, in the yearbook, and on the jerseys that are framed; he will be a legacy – just what his parents wanted.

The satisfied character is one of the most intriguing. She seems satisfied with their life but in all reality they will always want something more. She is always trying to have the best all around persona. But it is actually drains her and to make her more unlike her true beautiful self. At the game she is cheering on the team in her cute team outfit. When the girls take a break to watch the game, she overhears a small group talk about a party that will take place that night. The satisfied runs over to get in on the information. The group of girls rolls their eyes at her, but she doesn’t seem to notice, she just wants in on the fun. She is injuring herself with each try to reach a higher level.

Whether that includes attending the party, getting the latest look, or dating the coolest boy. She is reminded each time she is in a relationship that there is someone better out there. She gets the boy for their emotional stability and then forgets about them when the next ‘hunk’ walks by. But the satisfied is just left empty and wanting more. It’s a sad character to try and be. The girl is only satisfied in being who she isn’t and trying to get out of the small town.

The musician is the character that is most intriguing. He is hard to explain and impossible to define. He hides behind his guitar and unique life style. He looks up to the sky and wonders if he will be given a bigger stage than the local mom and pop diner. He has a stage on Friday nights, like tonight. It is the pit of the high school marching band. The only problem… he doesn’t care what the people in this town think, so it doesn’t really count. The band starts playing ‘Desperado’ by the Eagles and sings the lyrics to himself, “And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talking. Your prison is walking through this world all alone.” He likes the lyrics, because they seem true to his own life.

The musician loves the importance of lyrics and he writes songs about getting out of the hell-hole and finding his purpose in life. He can’t remember the last time that he didn’t feel confined by the restricting family budget, and city lines. The musician has plans to get out, to escape, and to never look back. He doesn’t understand the immaterial love his family is trying to give him, he just wants out and to get away. Most people would consider the musician to be an angry person, but he is actually just misunderstood. The overachiever and the satisfied never look his way. He can’t help but feel alone when he won’t reach out for a hand to help him.

The mask can be defined and explained by all her peers, but it’s not the truth. They would call her reserved, conservative, intelligent, creative, and someone who has a good future ahead of her. But in all reality, she is the exact opposite. She isn’t well put together, can loose hold on everything in a split second, is struggling in all areas of study, and won’t make it see many more days unless she gets things under control. She is also at the Friday night game, but she is doing her social duty, by following her friends around the track, talking about the latest gossip.

Always following, the mask wonders each time she is in a group of “friends”, if they will leave her. If that happened then who would she interact with? Being alone is the mask’s worst nightmare, even though it happens on a regular basis. During the day, while the sun is shining, everything seems like it runs smoothly. But by the time things turn dark, and the sun isn’t shining on her plans, everything falls apart. She questions her purpose, she can’t continue on, and the worst of all is that she is alone. She has a few friends, but they don’t understand what is going on. The ‘friends’ are only around when she is cracking jokes about musician and his odd ways. At night after the homework struggle, there are only her parents – they don’t understand why a girl who has everything is so lost.

The small town life is a mystery, each person, lost, trying to find a way out. The town is dying of suffocation. The air is being taken from every area of the town and being poured into these empty lives that have the talent and the motivation to be something greater. The overachiever is too focused on himself and his aspirations to see the people around him who are struggling to survive. The mask is too consumed with self-pity to extend a heart-felt conversation to others who need a true friend, like the satisfied. The musician is too scared to branch out into the group of small town folks, so he is missing out on a beautiful song about a girl that might not survive unless someone reaches out to her.

Most characters are missing out on saving lives and are in turn losing their own, if the focus switches to other people around them without trying to gain attention on their selves then maybe they would actually survive long enough to escape with some memories that aren’t tainted by conceit, pain, unhealthy obsession, or loneliness. It is the sad truth of a small town.

mind crossing.

Have you ever just been going about daily business and someone's face popped in your head. Why does this happen? Are you worried about them? Thinking about them? In love? A friend? Or just subconsciously wondering about them...

There have been multiple times when I can't get my mind off of someone. Whether it is a friend, boy, of relative. Sometimes I think people are placed on our hearts.
There has been a friend lately that I have not been able to stop thinking about. He is so messed up, truly confused. I can't help him - and getting close just hurts me. He is the type of person who can find something that frustrates me or hurts me and can cut me to the core & continue to pour salt in the wound. But yet.. He still has a place in my heart as a dear friend? It seems weird - but it's true.

There is another girl whom I think about once in a while. She is so precious to me & has been a friend since I moved to Kentucky. She was asked the question, "how are you, really?" She didn't know how to answer. I worry about this girl all the time. She seems to be searching for something & just hasn't been able to find it yet. But she is looking in the wrong place. We all do this at times - try to find our identity in other things. I am not labeling her or saying she is making a huge mistake - because we all do it. But the pattern of sadness in her life makes me sad.

And the last one that I think about... wow. I just know that I love him. He is my family. He has always been there for me & could be considered a big brother. He takes up for me, puts up with me, and sometimes has a heart to heart with me. He is such a wonderful guy - but is just so distracted right now. I don't get to see him that much & we are totally different people - but we both know that if we needed the other - that the answer is yes. We are family - and I worry about him. He randomly comes on my mind - and I worry if at that time he is searching for himself in dangerous things.

So as I lay my head on my pillow - these people's faces run through my mind & the one that I worry most about is the first. Mainly because he has no idea what truth is & will not listen. - That scares me.

rambling...

It is a late night and I am trying to plan out my money for NYC. I am leaving on Saturday - I can't believe that this time next week I will be getting ready for New Year's Eve in Times Square. It's Crazy!

Today I experienced a 'first'. My mother and I went shopping and we didn't fight once - we didn't even argue. It was wonderful!

Tomorrow is the family gift exchange. We have to make a gift and we can't spend over $10 on it. I am the youngest one there. Everyone else is over 40. So the gift I could be a pie or something that was knitted. This year I think I made my best gift yet! I went to Lake Barkley this past weekend and took some photos of the lake during the sunset. I added some text to one of the pictures I took, printed a 8X10 photo and framed it. It's precious! Plus I get to say I've framed my photography & it makes me seem official. I am pleased with it.

And on to things.. I am wondering if this whole - being home from college thing is actually good. I mean.. I know it's "good". But sometimes I am just not sure how I feel about it. It is so hard to come home from a place where I have a minute by minute schedule to my home where I don't have to do anything - and usually end up sleeping the day away. Once in a while I spend time with old friends - I usually just end up doing dumb stuff and wishing I were somewhere else. Mainly because Irvine is turning into a scary place.

The Priceless store was robbed at gunpoint - but the robber got shot. So that's good, I guess. But the night before that another store was robbed. And the night before that ... an old antique place was robbed. I just don't understand some people. Why?? It made me a little scared to go to the store to get milk. That is different. Irvine has always been small - but safe. It's a small town where the problems are kept secret. But not Sunday night - we were on the news. We made headlines for our robberies. Fabulous.

But I am grateful for my family & friends that I have been blessed with while I am home. I don't know what I would do without my friend Sarah. She is just a source of encouragement and always knows just what to say. I am glad that old friendships have been revived. I missed some of the girls I spent Sunday night with.

Well it's time to listen to some music and slip into sleep - thinking all the while why things are the way they are..

It has been a day since I got home. Home is beautiful. The future is hopeful. And life is peaceful.

I came home on Saturday night. I drove into the Hollow and to my surprise as I got closer to my house the snow got higher and less scarce. I came home to a winter wonderland. I stopped at my Grandparent's house and picked up the guitar to play the song that Matt taught me. "Drown" by Chasen. My Mamaw & Papaw gave me hugs I had been waiting on all week. The ones that say "we miss you & don't want you to leave again." Those are always welcomed. I played as much as I could with out my pick and then packed up my guitar to take up to my house.

I walked inside my house and noticed that "It's A Wonderful Life" was playing and the Christmas tree was up in front of the window. My parents greeted me with a "SHE'S HOME!" and I sat down in front of the television. Soon after that it was time to decorate the tree! Mom & I fussed at each other - it wouldn't be tradition if we didn't.

Then I played some more guitar and failed at Chasen's new song once again. My fingers started throbbing and I decided it was time for Crocheting my Mamaw's Christmas present.

There are some grand things about Winter Break - like all the things I mentioned above - but the bad thing is that I get extremely scatter brained & can't remember anything that I am supposed to do. I have about 10 billion things on my to-do list and probably will only get one or two things done .... and that might be because I am forced to by my parents.. It's a sad - beautiful life I live.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with Bren & his little bro - whom I haven't met yet. He said Terry and Charles might be coming too. This could be interesting. But before I see Bren I am going to the DOCJT to help my mom and dad take food to my dad's co-workers. I get to see everyone I worked with this summer- which will be great! I have to figure out how to apply for a passport - I don't understand why it is so hard for me to figure everything out & get it done! Then it's time for support letters to send out for Acts 1:8. (EXCITEMENT). But I think one of the best parts of Break will be this weekend! ROAD TRIP WITH THE GARMIN! I am going to Nashville to visit with Aly and my parents are letting me take their Garmin - awesome! Matt, Andrew, Aly, and I will be going to the Andrew Peterson concert at the Ryman on Thursday - dream come true!! Then Matt & I are taking another road trip to Lake Barkley to hang out with my fam. - Matt is going to keep me sane - or at least try!

Saturday night will be full of Christmas movies, Euchre, 31, and great company & I can not wait!

Well, due to finals week being stressful - I have screwed up my sleep pattern once again & can't seem to want to go to bed. It's getting to be a problem, especially since I have to be up super early in the morning!

Also - A's & B's this semester. Life is good & college is a successful experience so far.

Praise Him - for His grace is sufficient

The Best Gift

It is amazing how just a small chat over coffee can turn into a few hours in a heart to heart. I met with a Godly woman tonight who always seems to have the most wise advice. She has a huge heart and is never afraid to tell you that she cares for you. She is always encouraging, uplifting, motivating, inspiring, and just all around someone who makes you smile after you have spent a few moments talking to her.

This is the type of woman I want to become. I want to be someone who everyone else knows they can come to with a problem - and they know I will address it with prayer and scripture. I want to offer wise advice because of experience and most of all, I want to have the peace that she has. (And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.)

We discussed matters of the heart - boys, friends, and broken-spirits. We discussed spiritual growth - and how to continue on when faith seems difficult. We both shared our hearts - and had our times when the tears almost fell. But the joy was always there. The joy that we have in Christ. It was so beautiful.

Sometimes that is all you need to be rejuvenated. God puts people in your life to help you through a season. And this Godly woman is one He has put in my life. People are blessings and friendships are precious gifts. Tonight I got to take a break from thinking - problems - finals - packing - and work to just be genuine.

It was the best gift I could have gotten.

I forgot.. thanks for reminding me.

there are sometimes I forget you are Christ and the High Priest. I forget that You are all-powerful. That You have everything figured out. That You created me for a reason. That I don't have to worry - because You are in control. It slips my mind that I am not perfect. That I screw up.

But then I remember... Your grace is sufficient. You are all-knowing, all-powerful. Everything was created for Your purpose. You have a plan - everything isn't just happening. And that I don't need to worry - but through prayer and petition let my requests be made known to You. I remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Forgive me. I forgot. It slipped my mind.
But then... I remember how much I screw up - and that You never do.
Thanks for giving me joy & peace & reminding me that my life isn't for Emily, but all because of Jesus.

Diamonds In The Sky...

THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE LAST YEAR FOR AN ENGLISH CLASS.. I REALIZED I AM A SUCKER FOR WRITING DESCRIPTIVE ESSAYS.. THESE ASSIGNMENTS ARE FUN FOR ME - GO AHEAD, JUDGE AWAY.



The stars are amazing. They serve many purposes, such as form the constellations that help us map the universe. One pointed the way for seeking wise men to find the baby Jesus. The stars inspire romantic nights. Sometimes even just gazing at the stars can heal broken hearts. The stars from some perspectives may be just dots, just balls of fire, but against the dark sky they can be seen as diamonds sparkling at just the right time for just the right person. To some, the stars may even seem beautiful.
The beauty of something is not seen just in passing, but developed in the heart by a process of thought, consideration, and desperation for something beautiful. Things are beautiful not for their perfection, but the exact opposite. Beauty is transparent, and does not build up walls. It is about seeing through to the truth of something. It is about noticing something unique, breathtaking and inspiring. Beauty sparks inspiration and I find the stars beautiful because they not only inspire but comfort in the time when it seems I cannot go on.

We see beauty everywhere in a flower, a friend, a kind word, a sunset, a smiling child; beauty is everywhere. I believe that the reason why we don’t find beauty in something is because of the hardening of a heart. Anger creates bitterness which leads to finding something as repulsive. When an argument is sparked with a friend, everything that is wrong with them is pointed out, but before when there was no confrontation, they were beautiful.

Beauty not only soothes, but inspires. There have been several days I have just stopped to think about all the things around me that were beautiful and could teach me joy for that moment just to make it through the hour. The bells of a tower on my college campus uplift me to continue up the hill that seems to stretch for eternity. The suns warm rays shining on my face encourages me to develop a smile in the midst of chaos.

The world that we live in is a cold place, no one seems to understand the beauty of simplicity of nature or another human. We are examined by others who try to find a flaw in us, this in turn makes a person who was trying to be beautiful for who they were search for flaws in others. “Do unto others” is the correct quote, right? We forget that we are human and imperfect and expect others to be something that they aren’t. How did this horrible tradition of tearing others apart start and more importantly, when will it be finished?
One night when everything seemed to be crashing down I laid all of my troubles underneath the beauty of the stars. They seemed to twinkle with each problem I named off; soon the twinkles greatly outnumbered my petty difficulties. Realizing how truly small and unimportant some things is something that needs to be done when the bad seems to outweigh the good. It is extremely too easy to get caught up in pessimism, a conscious decision has to be made each morning to choose to make the most of the day, and to live life the way we were created to live it to the fullest.

Beauty can be found in each person, so search for it. When looking for the good it is not a task to look over the bad. When looking for beauty in someone else don’t forget to notice what is truly amazing about you. No one is perfect so if someone tries to make it seem like you are failing when you make a minor mistake, know that you are you which happens to be absolutely beautiful.

An everyday challenge for each individual needs to be: search for beauty, be inspired, don’t let your heart be hardened to bitterness, and see the big picture, not the petty problems. Most importantly, become aware of the diamonds in the sky shining just for you.

Teach Us, LORD

It hit home tonight:

"Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts."

I was talking to a friend about how there was a lot of stuff to do this week & I got a little overwhelmed while filling out my to-do list for Tuesday.. But I realized something while in conversation with this friend.. it doesn't matter! There will be many things to do every day & they will all get done - they have so far. As long as I work at everything enthusiastically as if I am working for the Lord and not for men, then things will get done.

My to-do list has 18 items on it & that is absolutely okay with me. I have a ton of responsibilities and that is a blessing also.. because if I didn't - I would be bored out of my mind!

The reason why this is so important. is simply because I need to focus on the things that matter - serving the Lord, following His purpose for my life, and not being just a visitor in this world. But having a big heart - thanks to CF for the Colossians Study - and being vulnerable. While it is necessarily more safe to have a small heart and avoid relationships... that is not what we are called to do. We are called to Love Our Neighbor. This doesn't happen through just a small - hello once a month - but investing in who an individual is.

So. I will pray that the Lord will teach me to number my days so that I may develop wisdom in my heart.

-His Grace Is Sufficient-